It started out as a normal day. I woke at 1:00pm up rolled a joint and smoked weed, like I do every day. I live with my best friend Carlos. Me and Carlos were so tight. We met in 3rd grade and played a lot of video games together. He showed me how to no scope, and I showed him how to smoke weed. Together we were the undisputed kings of call of duty. While I was deep into my high. I heard a bell ring and I tried to go up the stairs out of my friend’s basement to answer it, but I was so damn high that I fell down. Carlos eventually got the door, and came down to the basement holding a package. He told me that a man in a black cloak had came to the door and dropped off a package. We opened the package and in it found the copy of Black Ops that I had order on ebay a week earlier. The copy I ordered was really cheap, probably considering the last person who had it died while playing the game. Also the guy who had the game before that died too. It wasn’t a peaceful death either, the man’s tongue and dick had switched locations. However the list of the dead does goes on. Another man tried to perform an exorcism on the game. He was later found with a huge hole in his chest like if someone had impaled him with their penis. Another twelve other guys were found dead and all while playing the game. Man that is one freaky coincidence. I mean to die under mysterious circumstances stance while playing a video game, that is pretty freaky. I bought the game for $6.66. It was a steal. However I did get an email that said I spent $6.66 and one soul on the game. I figured I could always use Carlos’s grandma’s soul to pay if someone came to collect. I mean we used her money to buy it anyway. However there was one off putting thing about the game. When carlos and I opened the box it came in I saw the box art. It was so fucking scary and disturbing. I almost shat everywhere. Carlos screamed, “Holy fucking balls sack.” The box art was the normal black ops box art with a man sitting down and holding guns, but a dead body was on the ground with its head ripped off. The head was nowhere to be found. The picture looked very realistic, some might even say it was super-realistic. Not hyper realistic because that is fucking gay. The worst part was that the body’s neck had feces coming out of it. So someone must have shit down his neck.
We looked at it with disgust until I vomited all over it. The vomit blocked the picture. We looked at each other. Carlos was the first one to speak, “Should we get rid of this, or should we be the biggest fucking idiots on the planet and play the obviously haunted game.” I had trouble deciding. On one hand the story can’t go on without us playing the game and we kind of were the biggest fucking idiots on the planet. On the other hand I was still pretty high, so I would have slower reflexes. I told him “We have to play it because we already spent your grandma’s money on this piece of shit.” He agreed and got the disk out of the vomit covered case. We popped the thing into the xbox and Carlos went to get some doritos. I turned the TV on. When the X-box was loading up I saw a flash of a Pikachu who was deformed. I thought I was just seeing things because I was super high so I ignored it. Carlos soon came down with the chips and mountain dew. I then scarfed the chips and mountain dew down because again I was high. We then sat on the couch with our controllers, and started playing. We decided to play the campaign first. Since we couldn’t both play at the same time we would take turns. I was the first to play. The campaign started me out in a torture chamber. I was playing as Mason, and on the table there was a Russian man. A prompt on screen said press X to punch. I punched the guy right in the nuts. I did this about 5 more times, until the man started bleeding. A new prompt came up on the screen press X to ask question. I pressed and Mason asked, “What are the nuclear launch codes?” The man said “I don’t know.” Well then I guess I have to let my old friend take care of you. Mason turned and reveled a deformed Pikachu. Carlos and I were so shocked. Pikachu came up to the man, grabbed him by the balls, and electrocuted them. The man screamed out the codes are 666.exe. Mason then went up to a computer and typed the code in. Once that happened a prompt came up on the screen that said press X to blow shit up. I pressed X just to see what would happen. After that the screen faded to black and then a picture of earth came up. Then I saw the whole planet go up in a huge nuclear explosion. The game then said you win.
This however only made me and carlos more curios because like I said we are the biggest fucking idiots on the planet. We checked out multiplayer next. We signed into a lobby. We were greeted by several other players, one of whom was Pikachu. Carlos and I literally shit everywhere, it was that scary. It was so bad that we were going to have to get a new couch, and we would have if the match didn’t start. The match was a team death match, but Carlos and I were on our own team. Everyone else was against us so it was 2v10. However we were some of the best CoD players on earth. So we chugged a mountain dew each and started the game. The map was nuke town. We started running into the house when we noticed something. The town was already nuked. There were dead people everywhere, and they were burning alive. We were digusted but we knew we had to play the game. I mean it’s not like we can just turn it off. We got in and saw our first area. I threw a tomahack directly in his face. He screamed in a hyper-realistic way. A feeling of fear set in. The man slowly fell to the ground and his screams fell with him. Another player came in and Carlos shot him threw the skull his hyper-realistic blood painting the wall. I felt bad for the players who died, but I just had to t-bag that guy who got no scoped by Carlos. Carlos soon followed me and t-bagged that fag too. While we were t-bagging the fuck out of that guy, Carlos was shot in the head. I heard a loud thump, and looked over at Carlos IRL. He was dead and there was a bullet hole in his head. I came to the conclusion that if I died in the game died in real life. Instead of turning off the game I kept playing. I needed revenge from the man who killed my friend because now that Carlos is dead his grandma won’t let me use her credit card anymore to buy creepy haunted games that will probably kill me. This has already happened to me two times before once with my friend Bill and a copy of halo and also with Steve and a copy of Skyrim. I was running low on friends to mooch off of and I was angry. I went up to the top floor of the building and started camping. Players would come up and I would kill them. Eventually the people started rage quitting until there was only one player left…,..Pikachu! I knew I would have to bunker down for this one. I waited, camping in anticipation of the dreaded electric fuckwad. Soon a grenade came through the window. I had to run out of the room on to the porch. When I ran out I saw Pikachu he was looking at me from the ground, and I decided that I only had one option. I had to perform the 360 no scope. This was perfect time to do it, shit like this always works in movies. I jumped off the porch and started spinning around, right before I landed on the ground I shot my sniper rifle. The bullet flew majesty right past him and I missed. Pikachu then punched me to the ground in the game. I could feel it in real life. He then grabbed my balls and electrocuted the fuck out of them. I could feel it and even smell my roasted nuts. I fell to the ground in a crippling pain and with a slight erection. Did I mention I love bondage. I then looked up at the screen and saw Pikachu ripping my head off. I felt my head detach from my body, and my last few seconds of consciousness were spent looking at the screen watching Pikachu shit down my neck. Everything slowly faded to black, and my last moments on this earth where spent watching Pikachu skull fuck me to death. I died with a slight erection. The only explanation that I can think of why this happened is that Pikachu is a gay cheating haxor faggot whose probably butt hurt because I fucked his mom last night.
I soon regained consciousness, but when I did I wasn’t on planet earth I was in hell. The first thing I saw was the most wonderful thing ever. It was my senpia, Nicolas Cage. He looked like a handsome goddess staring at me with his crazy eyes.
I asked him “where the hell are we?”
Nicolas Cage responded with, “We are in Hell and I’m satan himself” I was taken aback and very aroused at the same time. Nicolas Cage saw that and spat on my hard cock. Except he spat fire so my cock burned, but I was still hard as a rock. I creamed in pain.
I asked him, “What are you going to do to me.”
Nicolas Cage said, “You’re going to compete in my ultimate Call of Duty death battle. Whoever wins gets to go back to the living world.”
“But I don’t want to go I want to be with you and I want you inside me.”
“I can’t I promised I would stay here and I even got married.”
I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t have my senpia. I threw myself at Cage and kissed him. He threw me to the ground and screamed, “Listen we can’t do this.” I saw that he had an erection and I tried to suck it, but I was kicked in the stomach by Shrek.
“What the hell is happening” screamed shrek, “As my husband you are suppose to be faith full to me.”
“I’m sorry shrek, my beautiful wife, who I love with every ounce of my self” Said Nicolas Cage apologetically.
I couldn’t believe it Nic Cage was married to shrek. I was afraid shrek would eat me, but then I thought I’m in hell I can’t die. Nicolas Cage and Shrek started arguing.
“I’ve been loyal to you ever since I was nine and you came through my window. My dad beat me every night after that.” Screamed Nicolas Cage and continued saying. “You weren’t loyal to me when I caught you with Donkey in the 1st layer of hell”
“I told you I slipped and just wasn’t wearing any clothing” Shrek screamed
“Oh, you think I am dumb enough to believe that” Nicolas Cage yelled
“Yes” Shrek exclaimed and immediately regretted it.
Shrek ran out sobbing with Nicolas Cage apologizing. I tried to comfort Cage.
“I hate my marriage” Cage said, “I should just get I divorce.” I kissed him very passionately. He still pushed me away, “You should just get ready for the competition” He told me.
He told me were to go. I found the part of hell were the competition was being held. There was a crowd of about eleven people, in the crowd was Carlos. I went up to greet him, but before I could Pikachu got up on a stage and told the crowd this. “Alright listen up you have all been brought here because of you are so dedicated to Call of Duty that you bought a haunted copy and played on it. That’s what I need to complete a super secret future mission. So what I’m going to do is make you all play call of Duty in a free for all one life death match.”
Before I knew it I was in another Call of Duty match, and I was equipped with a sniper rifle, another chance at some no scopes. The map was nuke town because who the fuck remembers any other maps. As soon as the countdown reached zero I ran forward shooting no scooping two faggot who both have small dick. I then no 360 noscoped three more when I made my way back into the house. I then saw the man himself Carlos. I tried to noscope him but he quickly dodged the bullets. Without hesitation he through a tomahawk at me that I shot in midair and deflected it into another players face. I heard Pikachu say over the intercom that there were only two players left. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy. I switched to my other weapon a .44 magnum revolver. I then ran to cover behind a car and shot at him all. He dodged with the grace and majesty that only a high as balls Mexican can. It was his turn. He wasted no time quick scoping me hitting me in the shoulder. The pain made testosterone follow through my body. My shaft harder than ever. I quickly ran, Carlos shot me again, I was undeterred, my erection only growing harder and stretching farther, I took my revolver, I shot hole in his head, and finished him by jamming my large, throbbing, clenched fist into that hole and pulling his brain out. I had won but I also felt sad because Carlos grandma would probably kick me out of the house.
Pikachu greeted me with his hyper-realistic eyes. He said, “You have won, and will be returned to the world of the living”
“Fuck Yeah” I said.
“there is a cost. You must kill someone” Pika uttered.
“I’ll kill anyone I don’t care I’ll even fuck there moms and not call them afterwards” I asserted.
“The man, or should I say hedgehog, you must kill goes by Sanic.”
“Isn’t he the fastest thing alive?”
“yes you will need to be quick but we have a plan laid out for you” Pika assured me. “you see he fucks Carlos’s Grandma on Tuesdays from 6:00 pm to 6:02 pm there you will strike now go to Mr. Cage in order to be transported back to earth.” I smiled and skipped over to Cages office. I found him deep into his deeply entrenched in his work.
“I had a feeling you would be the chosen one.” Nic said staring at me with his lustful eyes. I could only nod. “To my understanding Pika told you the plan.” I nodded yes biting my lip. I
I was then transported back into the basement with a sniper rifle, with Carlos’s body still there. It was 6:01 pm, so I headed up stairs. Kicking open the door to Carlos’s Grandmas room. I saw it Sanic fucking her like she was Mutahar from SomeOrdinaryGamers (come on read my shit daddy muta). But with Sanic was Shrek going at it. I proceeded to shoot Sanic but he dodged and the bullet flew into shrek. Shrek exploded with hyper realistic blood flying every where. Sanic tried to kill me but I was quick enough to dodged. I tackled him and chopped his head off or something I don’t really care I’m fucking bored and I just want this to be over. So shrek yells and tries to stabbed me with his dick because if there is one thing this story needs its more dick jokes. I defeat him with a fucking no scope or something gay like that do you really care. Is anybody still reading at this point? I mean that. This is trash. Anyway Carlos’s grandma is still horny so I spread. You know what fuck this.
I make it back to hell tell Nic that Shrek is dead. Pikachu, Nic Cage, and I all have a threesome. The end fuck you, this is so stupid I’m done.